Gaps and Gains

I recently read The Gap and The Gain: The High Achievers’ Guide to Happiness, Confidence, and Success. This book offers a model for success based on the idea that we should see the gains we have made and build off of them instead of always seeing the gaps along the way.

Many of us, as we strive towards setting and fulfilling tasks towards our ideal goal, we often find ourselves in a place of struggle because we feel unfulfilled. The authors, Dan Sullivan and Dr. Benjamin Hardy suggest this frustration results from the cycle on the left of picture, in which we are measuring our goals by how far we are from the ideal instead of measuring them from how far we have come. The gap and the gain they describe is illustrated below:

This is a new way of the age old question of whether we see the glass is half full or half empty:

Daily we accomplish a lot, though often we take it for granted because we are focused on what we haven’t done instead of reflecting on how far we have come during the day. One of the suggestions the book presents is the importance of taking stock at night of all the gains of the day. By just taking 5-10 minutes to reflect and/or journal what we have done during the day, we will find a sense of accomplishment and gratitude for the opportunities the day brought us.

Our journey in life needs the self-reinforcement and kindness this practice can afford us. If we begin to offer ourselves the kindness and positive reinforcement we more easily offer to others, seeing the growth and gains we have made instead of “punishing” ourselves for what we didn’t do, we can find more meaning and hope in this often challenging world.

May each of us acknowledge our Gains and build from those foundations to strive forward in reaching our goals.

Only seeing the gaps and looking to recognize the gains! Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Don’t Get Stuck

The biggest barrier to change is the line “I’ve always been this way.” By saying that, we are allowing the past to control who we are in the now and who we hope to be in the future. If we can allow the past to be a place we turn to learn lessons of what to do/not to do and for tools we might need to draw on in similar situations going forward, we are taking control of the past instead of allowing the past to take control of us and keep you stagnant.

When reflections of past events come to mind at seemingly random moments, it is an opportunity for reflection. I have shared previously how it is important to not ignore the recollections. Rather, when these memories rise up, it is part of the inner work we are in need of doing to take the nexts steps we are striving to take.

If we can see the past as the lessons to be learned and not as the blueprint for who we are to be today, we can then set ourselves up so that each day is a new opportunity for growth, for blessing, for a new beginning.

Struggling to find your inspiration, your spiritual sustenance? Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Spiritual Nourishment

I was recently reading Restoring the Healer: Spiritual Self-Care for Health Care Professionals by William Dorman. This book offered a health care chaplain’s perspective on methods for how to best care for oneself so as to be engaged and effective in the helping of our patients, families and those for whom we have been tasked to care. One particular piece struck me from this book. The author writes:

These patients are like manna in the desert during your bleak and tiresome days. They energize you. They nurture your heart and soul. In the years to come, you will draw inspiration, stamina, and encouragement from your memories of these patients. Healers share an old adage: “ I get more from that patient than I am able to give him or her.”

Restoring the Healer p. 23-4

I found the metaphor of Manna poignant, as it is a sustenance of the spirit that we find at times. I recall one of my early hospice patients, a woman who was struggling with cancer. In one of our visits, she told me that I would always remember her as the person I cut my teeth on.

She was right!

For that patient, and the others who have taught and inspired me over the years, this quote sums up what they meant for me.

This message goes further than health care. What is your spiritual sustenance in those challenging times? From where do you draw your inspiration? What carries you through those difficult days?

Struggling to find your inspiration, your spiritual sustenance? Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Seeing the wonder in each moment

The above picture is from last summer, on a beach in Florida. It was at the beach that I was originally inspired with the motto for New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC, “Helping you on the journey through the waves of life.”

I find myself reflecting on this picture today, thinking about the wonders of the world. Many of us find comfort and spirituality in the workings of nature, truly seeing the beauty and grandeur of the world. By observing the movement of the trees, the waves of the ocean, hearing the sounds of the birds, we can find our connection in the cycle of life.

For me, looking at this picture of the waves, I am reminded about how life is a series of ebbs and flows. Each wave carries sediment, and leaves it at the shore, while also dragging sand back into the ocean. Each step of life is a combination of leaving something behind and also carrying something forward.

Need help on the journey through the waves of life. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Preparing for the unknown

How many of us can relate to this image?

Often we feel like we are traveling on a dark road with no end in sight. We can’t begin to figure out where the destination is. All we see is the uncertainty that lies ahead. How can we overcome the inevitable fear we feel on this long, unknown path? One way is to work to change the image we see before us. Perhaps, this next images changes the mood.

Imagine this brighter image. Yes, it is an open road, but with the sun, we will hopefully have a better sense of where we are able to go.

The first step on the journey to change and find our path is to “turn on the light.” This is not a simple practice. It is one which takes time and effort to find the “switch.” Yet, once we shift our perception, we can then begin to progress to the next destination along the road of life.

Don’t want to walk this path alone. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Drawing the road map of exits

Often, as we are trying to find our way along our personal journeys, we search for tools to help us attain a greater focus on where we are going. I want to share one tool which I recently read about in The Awakened Brain: The New Science of Spirituality and Our Quest for an Inspired Life by Lisa Miller, PhD. The method is called Three Doors. The goal is described as helping to “show that when we’re using the lens of achieving awareness alone, we see boulders blocking our path, but when we engage our awakened attention, the boulders are actually stepping-stones that show us the path forward (P. 180).” This method resonates for me because it puts into focus the importance of reflecting on what was to help guide us forward while also allowing the what was to not prevent our next steps, something I have written about in other posts, including this early one Let the Broken Pieces Fall.

Three Doors Exercise (p. 180-181):

  1. On a sheet of paper or in your journal, draw the road of your life
  2. Identify a place on the road where you faced a hurdle: a loss, a disappointment, a death; a time when the thing you wanted – a job, a relationship, an award or accomplishment, an acceptance letter from a particular school – seemed lined up, in reach; and then somehow, unexpectedly, the door slammed, and you didn’t get what you wanted or what you thought you were going to get. Draw the slammed door on the road.
  3. Now consider what happened as a result of that loss or disappointment that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. Because the door closed, and because you didn’t claw ahead trying to force it back open, because you stopped and looked around, you saw a new door you hadn’t noticed before. What new insight of connection or path emerged, what new doorway opened, when the first door closed? Add the open door, leading to the new landscape along the road.
  4. Next, can you locate a messenger or helper who showed up and, with or without knowing they played a role, somehow supported or guided you? Perhaps it was someone you’d never met before or someone you knew well; someone who showed up in person or called you or sent you a letter, or someone you thought of at a crucial moment. Who were the messengers or helpers who pointed you to the open door? Draw the messenger(s) on the road.
  5. Repeat steps 2 through 4 twice more, so that your road of life shows three doors that closed and three that opened, and who showed up along the way to you on your path.

As I was reflecting on this exercise, I recall times when I have worked through a similar map to recognize how certain moments continue to line up in ways that have helped navigate me along a certain path towards were I am today. The catch is that an exercise like this cannot be done just one. It needs to be repeated multiple times during our lives to capture a greater sense of how the trials and tribulations of our journeys have led us to where we are at the moments we reflect on where to go next.

May each of us be attentive enough to see how a closed door is not an ending but is merely a marking point to take another exit along the journey each of us is going on.

Need help visioning and drawing the road map of your life. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Putting on the wrong Tallit

I came across a great line in the Kedushat Levi, of R. Levi of Berditchev (second to last piece on Parashat Shelach in standard printings), that helps to shed light on this week’s Torah portion as well as provides us with a powerful perspective on keeping in our lane as we journey through life.

In reflecting on the character of Korach, R. Levi offered an interesting perspective. He suggests that Korach’s intention was not ego but it was the desire to serve Gd in the best way he perceived, which as a member of the Levite tribe meant the desire to serve in a priestly role like his cousin Aaron and sons. While noble, this was not the role Gd had in mind for Korach or for the other Levites for that matter. As such, Korach was punished with living in the state of limbo of being swallowed alive by the earth, “to live in Sheol (which biblically is like a netherworld). In the midst of analyzing Korach’s motivation and why it was problematic, R. Levi offers the analogy that Korach’s desire was like wearing a Tallit that didn’t belong to him (Reminds me of Harry Potter and the using of a wand which isn’t yours, as the wand chooses the wizard. The wand will work but not in the way that the person’s destined wand would work).

I would suggest that Kedushat Levi offers this analogy to connect the story of Korach to the end of last week’s Torah portion, which commands the Israelites in wearing a four cornered garment with tzitzit, strings. The tzitzit are worn as a constant reminder to follow after the laws Gd commanded. Part of the commandments is an underlying idea of the rules helping one stay in one’s lane, not starting after the desires of the heart and the eyes. Presumably, if you are find yourself straying from your “path,” you find yourself in limbo, or you find yourself along a path that isn’t yours. (I would also venture to suggest this analogy of the tallit is based on one of the rabbinic reads of Korach’s challenges to Moses. Karachi is said to have argued with Moses about whether a garment of all techeilet (blueish color) would qualify for the additional command to have one of the strings being of the techeilet color).

I found this metaphor resonated with me on a deeper level as regards to how we can grow in life. Most of us, with good intentions, will often go down a path we think we should go because others have found success or because it is the presumed best way to act. Yet, as we know, each of our paths is different and we shouldn’t try to walk along the path that we aren’t destined to go. We should work to properly wear our own “tallit” and not try to fit into someone else’s Tallit.

How would we know? R. Levi offers the answer. Going down a path that is “good” but not one’s path, like Korach, leaves a person in limbo. If we find ourselves living life yet feeling this sense of being neither here nor there, perhaps it is a deeper message inside our hearts to examine if we left the path we were destined for and veered onto a path we chose because it seemed for various reasons like the right one.

Need support in walking along your destined path. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Many Faiths, One Truth

Years ago, I recall a hospice visit with a Presbyterian family in which we spent time during the visit holding hands and praying together, each of us from our different backgrounds, creating a holy and sacred space of care and support. The memories of this moment serve as a regular reminder of the grandeur and beauty we can create through our coming together to care for each other.

Spiritual Care, Interfaith Chaplaincy, Spiritual Life Coaching all work within a framework of working with others through the eyes of our collective human experiences of meaning making, hope and faith. The chaplain, spiritual care provider, coach enters the space recognizing the invisible boundaries that at first seem to exist in relation to the backgrounds of both parties in the sacred space. Each encounter is an intricate dance of balancing the universalistic goal of supporting and helping others with the particularisms that might arise in the space resulting from each one’s background. I offer this brief reflection because of an old post I shared here which I decided to revisit.

In May, 2010, the Dalai Lama had the following op-ed published in the NY Times (copied from here):

Many Faiths, One Truth

By TENZIN GYATSO

Published: May 24, 2010

WHEN I was a boy in Tibet, I felt that my own Buddhist religion must be the best — and that other faiths were somehow inferior. Now I see how naïve I was, and how dangerous the extremes of religious intolerance can be today.

Though intolerance may be as old as religion itself, we still see vigorous signs of its virulence. In Europe, there are intense debates about newcomers wearing veils or wanting to erect minarets and episodes of violence against Muslim immigrants. Radical atheists issue blanket condemnations of those who hold to religious beliefs. In the Middle East, the flames of war are fanned by hatred of those who adhere to a different faith.

Such tensions are likely to increase as the world becomes more interconnected and cultures, peoples and religions become ever more entwined. The pressure this creates tests more than our tolerance — it demands that we promote peaceful coexistence and understanding across boundaries.

Granted, every religion has a sense of exclusivity as part of its core identity. Even so, I believe there is genuine potential for mutual understanding. While preserving faith toward one’s own tradition, one can respect, admire and appreciate other traditions.

An early eye-opener for me was my meeting with the Trappist monk Thomas Merton in India shortly before his untimely death in 1968. Merton told me he could be perfectly faithful to Christianity, yet learn in depth from other religions like Buddhism. The same is true for me as an ardent Buddhist learning from the world’s other great religions.

A main point in my discussion with Merton was how central compassion was to the message of both Christianity and Buddhism. In my readings of the New Testament, I find myself inspired by Jesus’ acts of compassion. His miracle of the loaves and fishes, his healing and his teaching are all motivated by the desire to relieve suffering.

I’m a firm believer in the power of personal contact to bridge differences, so I’ve long been drawn to dialogues with people of other religious outlooks. The focus on compassion that Merton and I observed in our two religions strikes me as a strong unifying thread among all the major faiths. And these days we need to highlight what unifies us.

Take Judaism, for instance. I first visited a synagogue in Cochin, India, in 1965, and have met with many rabbis over the years. I remember vividly the rabbi in the Netherlands who told me about the Holocaust with such intensity that we were both in tears. And I’ve learned how the Talmud and the Bible repeat the theme of compassion, as in the passage in Leviticus that admonishes, “Love your neighbor as yourself.”

In my many encounters with Hindu scholars in India, I’ve come to see the centrality of selfless compassion in Hinduism too — as expressed, for instance, in the Bhagavad Gita, which praises those who “delight in the welfare of all beings.” I’m moved by the ways this value has been expressed in the life of great beings like Mahatma Gandhi, or the lesser-known Baba Amte, who founded a leper colony not far from a Tibetan settlement in Maharashtra State in India. There he fed and sheltered lepers who were otherwise shunned. When I received my Nobel Peace Prize, I made a donation to his colony.

Compassion is equally important in Islam — and recognizing that has become crucial in the years since Sept. 11, especially in answering those who paint Islam as a militant faith. On the first anniversary of 9/11, I spoke at the National Cathedral in Washington, pleading that we not blindly follow the lead of some in the news media and let the violent acts of a few individuals define an entire religion.

Let me tell you about the Islam I know. Tibet has had an Islamic community for around 400 years, although my richest contacts with Islam have been in India, which has the world’s second-largest Muslim population. An imam in Ladakh once told me that a true Muslim should love and respect all of Allah’s creatures. And in my understanding, Islam enshrines compassion as a core spiritual principle, reflected in the very name of God, the “Compassionate and Merciful,” that appears at the beginning of virtually each chapter of the Koran.

Finding common ground among faiths can help us bridge needless divides at a time when unified action is more crucial than ever. As a species, we must embrace the oneness of humanity as we face global issues like pandemics, economic crises and ecological disaster. At that scale, our response must be as one.

Harmony among the major faiths has become an essential ingredient of peaceful coexistence in our world. From this perspective, mutual understanding among these traditions is not merely the business of religious believers — it matters for the welfare of humanity as a whole.

In my original reflection on this piece, I found myself questioning what I perceived his primary argument to be, that through the commonality of compassion we should find the ability to rise above our particularistic beliefs to find a single unified humanity. I struggled at the time because I believed that it is from the particular backgrounds we came from that can best serve us in working together. In the original post, I wrote “While he is correct about said premise, compassion doesn’t necessarily translate into the reality of all religions being of a single truth. I think we sometimes lose track of our differences and hence this causes more conflict than would be had if we come to the table stating our stances on all topics.” Part of my claim was that so often we enter common space and apologize for who we are because we are afraid of the confrontation. Yet, if we take a deeper look at relationships, it is in the confrontation that I believe we can find compassion, care and real growth.

If we treat a space of with the compassion of respect, through listening, reflecting, sharing and being comfortable in the uncomfortable, we can foster our collective humanity. Often, we think the solution is to remove aspects of what we are bringing to the common space because of fear. Yet, by entering the space with people from other backgrounds, faiths, practices, etc. each of us has already taken the first step to building the bridge.

Announcement: Aromatherapy Partner

I want to announce that I am now partnering with Robin B. Kessler, CCA. She is a Certified Clinical Aromatherapist and the Owner of RBK Aromatherapy LLC. For more information about Robin, see my Partners/Consultants page.

Below is an excerpt from Robin’s website explaining what aromatherapy is and how it can help.

What is Aromatherapy?
It can be described as an art and science of utilizing naturally extracted aromatic essences from plants to balance, harmonize and promote a  health of body, mind and spirit.
Essential oils have been found to provide both psychological and physical benefits when used correctly and safely.  It is not just using essential oils, it is using other methods like herbs and resins which can be burned or infused in carrier oils to help soothe the body and spirit.

How Can It Help me?
Aromatherapy can help with Anxiety, Stress, Pain Management, Allergies, Concentration & Memory, Headaches, Skin Conditions, Confidence and much more.

https://www.rbkaromatherapy.com/

In reflecting on the inclusion of aromatherapy as an offering of my coaching practice, I find myself reflecting on an aspect of the Israelite Temple service. In studying the various korbanot, sacrifices, Gd commanded the Israelites to provide as delineated throughout the Torah, including in this week’s portion, Shelach, one will notice a common theme. The phrase רֵ֤יחַ נִיחֹ֙חַ֙ לַֽיהֹוָ֔ה, an odor pleasing to Gd, repeats itself over and over as part of the descriptive nature of the sacrifice. Part of the sacrificial ritual is in the scent ascending to Gd as a sign of acceptance. Another element of the Temple rituals that also related to the olfactory senses was the ketoret, the incense offering.

In our times, without these sacrifices, we have found and created alternatives to allow these rituals to continue to play an important part in our lives. To bridge the gaps between us and our spiritual selves, we must constantly work towards enhancing our sense of wellbeing. There are many tools people choose to use, whether it is meditation, yoga, exercise, etc. One of the tools we can use is Aromatherapy.

I look forward to this opportunity to expand the offerings of New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC to further enhance the goal of supporting and helping you during your journey through the waves of life.

Need support to navigate the waves of life. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Judging favorably

As I continue to reflect and re-engage with some of my older posts from my previous blogs (here and here), I came across a powerful story and message I originally wrote about in 2010 (see here).

Too often we may observe a situation and think we understand what is going on. Yet, we also know that it is a value to judge someone favorably, a lesson taught in Ethics of our Fathers, Pirkei Avot:

יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה וְנִתַּאי הָאַרְבֵּלִי קִבְּלוּ מֵהֶם. יְהוֹשֻׁעַ בֶּן פְּרַחְיָה אוֹמֵר, עֲשֵׂה לְךָ רַב, וּקְנֵה לְךָ חָבֵר, וֶהֱוֵי דָן אֶת כָּל הָאָדָם לְכַף זְכוּת:

Joshua ben Perahiah and Nittai the Arbelite received [the oral tradition] from them. Joshua ben Perahiah used to say: appoint for thyself a teacher, and acquire for thyself a companion and judge all people with the scale weighted in their favor.

Pirkei Avot 1:6

Considering the words above, we can recognize the continuum of values, through establishing a teacher for oneself and maintaining true friendships, we can set ourselves up to see the world in such a way as to recognize that we don’t always understand everything that is happening. Too often, we want to make a go at it alone and through this mode of isolation we are more vulnerable to seeing others only through the lense of one’s own eyes.

To illustrate this, I want to share a story from the book, Jewish Visions for Aging by my colleague Rabbi Dayle A. Friedman, in which she shares an example of the importance of not drawing conclusions without all the facts:

Ira, a ninety-seven year old assisted living resident, has just fallen.  He is taken to the emergency room and receives twelve stitches for a gash in his head.  The resident and attending physician have called his family, but no one has come to be with him.  Knowing that Ira has a daughter-in-law, Ricki, who is usually quite involved, the assisted-living facility staff are surprised.  They comment that perhaps Ricki isn’t as interested in Pop as she once was.

P 72

Before reading the second paragraph, take a moment and reflect on how you feel at this point. Do you find yourself relating to the feelings of the facility staff that Ricki might not be interested in her father-in-law anymore? Or, were you open to seeing that perhaps her absence is likely due to some other circumstance other than not caring as much as others thought?

When Ricki comes in the next day, she explains that she couldn’t come sooner because on the very same day on which Ira was injured, her brother died and her husband was rushed to the hospital with chest pains.  Ricki literally didn’t know what to do first: should she stay at the hospital with her husband during his cardiac catheterization; make funeral arrangements for her brother; or go to be with Pop, who must be very frightened and upset at being taken to the emergency room alone?

P 72

Ricki’s dilemma was complicated. How can we best able to support others if we are quick to presume the worst about the decisions made instead of taking the time to consider the various possibilities for a seeming choice that was made?

May we cultivate the expansive, open heart to see the good in others instead of immediately presuming the worst.

Looking to work towards seeing the best in others. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.