Tag: imperfection

Believing in Oneself is a form of Humility

Most of us are familiar with some version of the following story (found here):

So there is a joke you probably know on the topic of humility. The chief rabbi of the synagogue at Yom Kippur is beating his breast and crying, tears running down his cheeks “I’m nothing, Lord! I’m nothing! I’m absolutely nothing!” Next to him the chief donor to the synagogue, a wealthy banker kneels down and hits himself on the chest and yells “I’m nothing! God forgive me for thinking I’m something. I’m not. I’m nothing!” Whereupon Shlomo a poor man who sweeps the synagogue out after services and hauls trash gets down on his knees and yells “I’m nothing! I’m nothing.” The rabbi observes this, elbows the banker and whispers “Look who thinks he’s nothing.”

We tend to confuse humility, the idea that we lack pride and the idea of having an attitude that even if we are skilled and knowledgeable, it doesn’t make us inherently better than anyone else, with feelings of low self-worth and self esteem. In most spiritual practices this distinction is crucial because it can help frame a fundamental spiritual practice of self-nullification. Self-nullification is about recognizing that within the greater universe, we are practically nil. In many religions, this is described in relation to the divine, that from a divine perspective, the only real existence is the divine (see here for one example of a Jewish perspective of the definition and purpose of self-nullification).

Yet, in conjunction with this important practice, our spiritual growth can only truly become manifest if we balance this self-nullification with knowing that our lives have purpose and meaning. I have been thinking about this in relation to a piece I read last weekend from R. Elimelech Biderman in Torah Wellsprings (Parashat Beshalach – see the full piece here pgs.4-5).

To quote a few excerpts from the piece:

Reb Tzadok HaKohen (Tzidkas HaTzaddik 154) writes: “Just as one must believe in Hashem (Gd), one must also believe in himself. This means to believe that Hashem is interested in him. He must believe that his soul comes from Above, and Hashem has pleasure from him and has enjoyment when he does Hashem’s will. This is the meaning of the pasuk (verse) (Shmos ויאמינו בה’ ובמשה עבדו (14:31, ‘And they believed in Hashem and in Moshe…’ Moshe represents the six-hundred-thousand Yidden (Jews) of that generation. They believed that Hashem desires them and derives pleasure from them and from the good that’s in them.”

It is hard for people to believe that Hashem wants them because they know their faults. However, faults and errors are part of the creation of the world. This shouldn’t prevent us from believing that Hashem wants us…

From the very essence of creation, a pattern of imperfection emerged.

Yet after all of that, it states (Bereishis 1:31) וירא אלקים את כל אשר עשה והנה טוב מאוד, ”And Hashem saw all that He had made, and behold it was very good.”

This is what Hashem calls good. It is because of imperfections that Hashem created the world. Hashem has pleasure when we overcome the struggles, downfalls, blockades, and hardships and do His will. So, you can believe in yourself, even if you are imperfect. In fact, your imperfections are the purpose of the entire creation. This trait enables you to bring a nachas ruach (inner sense of wellbeing) to Hashem more than all the malachim (angels) in heaven…

Our approach in life is two fold. We must be humble in recognizing our finite nature, our inherent imperfections and our existence in relation to Gd. At the same time, we cannot see ourselves as so low and unworthy that we never strive for anything, we never strive to grow and improve and lessen the imperfections we have in life. When we have a healthy sense of self-compassion and self-worth, we are able to do the things that help us move along our paths to fulfill our goals, our purpose for being.

This is a challenging practice to work on. It can feel extremely difficult to maintain the balance between humility and self-worth. Yet, we must always be working to find the balance, the right mix, so that we are moving forward step by step, moment by moment. We have the opportunity each day to practice through prayer, through our relationships with others and through our work towards attaining our personal goals.

May we each work to foster our own balance between believing in ourselves and the humility to recognize each of us is another part of our interdependent existence.

If you or someone you know is looking to forge ahead and set new goals for the journey of life or trying to find a sense of meaning in life, we are here to help foster spiritual and emotional growth and change. Schedule your appointment today here. For more information, please contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

 

99 – imperfection and greatness

Today is my 99th post on this website. Usually, people celebrate the whole numbers, so I am one off from a celebratory moment of writing post 100. Yet, I find the number 99 to be highly significant for a story I will share a little later on. But first…

Last night, I was playing around on Twitter and came across this tweet from a friend:

Aaron Judge, probably the most recognizable #99 in today’s sports fandom, is having a season for the ages. And while I am a Mets fan, with his own #99 –

it is clear that Judge is the better #99. Granted, for me, #99 takes me back to the great one Wayne Gretzky (NHL) and to the eccentrics like Wild Thing Mitch Williams and the infamous Turk Wendell (MLB – if you know, you know), but right now, for Baseball fans, 99 is Aaron Judge, and all the others tend to be glossed over (for a full list of all those in MLB who wore 99, see here).

This got me thinking about the significance of 99, only to recall another 99, but not in terms of sports. I was reminded of a teachable moment from when I was in High School, which I go back to every so often. It was 11th grade Chumash. We had just gotten a test back from our teacher and I noticed that while I got every question correct, I only received a 99 (yes, I admit, I was one of those students, always looking for the extra point). This bothered me as clearly I had earned the 100, the arbitrary perfect score we generally place on tests. I went to the rabbi and asked him why I didn’t get 100 when I clearly got all of the questions correct. To this day, I recall his response:

“Even Moses didn’t know everything, so in my opinion it would be impossible for anyone to achieve a 100.”

I’ll admit, the answer didn’t fully satisfy me. Yet, the lessons are quite apparent and in truth ones I have come to appreciate.

  1. As I wrote about months ago, there is a notion of When 80 Percent is Perfect. We should always strive for the best we can do and recognize that the best will never be 100 percent because the 100 is a long term impossibility. There will always be something that is missed, even when it appears as if you got everything right.
  2. We need to appreciate the beauty and greatness of the 99 within the scale of 100. Truth is, we need to appreciate even more than just the number closest to 100. We need to learn to appreciate all we have gained and not focus on the missing point(s).

Which brings me back to sports. Aaron Judge is having an outstanding season, a season for the ages, since we learn that in sports we focus on the accomplishments when it comes to most statistics as opposed to the failures that are the opposite side of the coin. For example, he has been on base over 40% of the time this year, which means he not been on base a little less than 60% of the time. In other words, his great year includes more failures than successes. Yet, we see the success and ignore the failures. He is having a 99 season (which for sports video game people, is the highest rank a player can get for a season).

If you have made it this far, thank you for reading this 99th post. Writing is a series of failures, deletions and edits until something comes together that is hopefully coherent and interesting. Life is the same. We fail, change course, shift, all in the drive to forge a path for ourselves. We experience many endings and New Beginnings. May each of you find the success within the imperfection and remember the greatness that is a 99.

Reflecting on how to appreciate the steps along the way: Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Aiming for the Center of the Dartboard.

Lately, I have been writing and reflecting a lot on focusing on the process, on imperfection and on the need to take growth as single steps along the path to the place we hope to reach. I find myself working daily to take this more positive approach, learning to appreciate how in a way it is all progress, both my successes and my failures. In light of these thoughts I have previously shared, I want to share a short message based on a discussion I’m involved in on Whatsapp.

Life can often seem like a game of darts. The bullseye is the goal we set before us. The dart is the tasks and tools are our disposal as we aim to reach the goal. When we aim and throw, we are ultimately hoping that the effort will lead us directly to the end goal, to the bullseye. And of course, we always want to hit the bullseye but sometimes we miss. Sometimes we miss by a little and sometimes completely. Yet, missing the target shouldn’t stop us from throwing the next dart. The challenge is, do we find the way to come back to the focus, the concentration of previous throws or do we allow the frustration to get in the way, increasing the odds of further misses?

It is difficult to fail, to miss, to be imperfect. I believe that many of the barriers we place before ourselves stems from this one fear, the fear of failure. If we fail, people will believe we are frauds. In truth, if we fail, it is not because we are frauds, rather, it is because there is no perfection and there will be times when we miss the target. And this goes for everyone around us as well.

As I sit here writing these words, I am reminded of the following read regarding the beginning of this week’s Torah portion, Vaetchanan.

וָאֶתְחַנַּ֖ן אֶל־יְהֹוָ֑ה בָּעֵ֥ת הַהִ֖וא לֵאמֹֽר׃

I pleaded with Gd at that time, saying,

אֲדֹנָ֣י יֱהֹוִ֗ה אַתָּ֤ה הַֽחִלּ֙וֹתָ֙ לְהַרְא֣וֹת אֶֽת־עַבְדְּךָ֔ אֶ֨ת־גדְלְךָ֔ וְאֶת־יָדְךָ֖ הַחֲזָקָ֑ה אֲשֶׁ֤ר מִי־אֵל֙ בַּשָּׁמַ֣יִם וּבָאָ֔רֶץ אֲשֶׁר־יַעֲשֶׂ֥ה כְמַעֲשֶׂ֖יךָ וְכִגְבוּרֹתֶֽךָ׃

“O lord Gd, You who let Your servant see the first works of Your greatness and Your mighty hand, You whose powerful deeds no god in heaven or on earth can equal!

אֶעְבְּרָה־נָּ֗א וְאֶרְאֶה֙ אֶת־הָאָ֣רֶץ הַטּוֹבָ֔ה אֲשֶׁ֖ר בְּעֵ֣בֶר הַיַּרְדֵּ֑ן הָהָ֥ר הַטּ֛וֹב הַזֶּ֖ה וְהַלְּבָנֹֽן׃

Let me, I pray, cross over and see the good land on the other side of the Jordan, that good hill country, and the Lebanon.”

וַיִּתְעַבֵּ֨ר יְהֹוָ֥ה בִּי֙ לְמַ֣עַנְכֶ֔ם וְלֹ֥א שָׁמַ֖ע אֵלָ֑י וַיֹּ֨אמֶר יְהֹוָ֤ה אֵלַי֙ רַב־לָ֔ךְ אַל־תּ֗וֹסֶף דַּבֵּ֥ר אֵלַ֛י ע֖וֹד בַּדָּבָ֥ר הַזֶּֽה׃

But Gd was wrathful with me on your account and would not listen to me. Gd said to me, “Enough! Never speak to Me of this matter again!

Deuteronomy 3:23-26

Moses tells the people he prayed to Gd to overturn the punishment of not being able to enter Israel and that Gd said “no.” There is even a suggested idea that Moses didn’t just pray once or twice but 515 times (based on the numerical value of וָאֶתְחַנַּ֖ן), always receiving “no” for an answer (see Midrash Aggadah, Deuteronomy 3:23:13). Moses admits he failed (yes, he also does also cast blame on the people for Gd’s anger and decision to keep the “punishment” that resulted from the Israelites second complaint about not having water and Moses responded inappropriately with anger (see Numbers 20:1-13)). Nevertheless, for Moses to admit that Gd said no, when so often his prayers ended up with Gd heeding the request, is itself a valuable lesson along the lines of .

There is no perfect person. We are all imperfect in some way. The imperfections, the failures are not excuses to not try, or try and try again. Yes, there are times when we must exit the one path and walk along another. But even this is not a failure, it is a transition to the next opportunity, to a new goal, A New Beginning.

May we each learn how to aim for the center, hit the target or miss the target, aim again or aim differently to hit the next target.

Looking for the tools to aim for the bullseye of your life: Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Trying to Write a blogpost: Reflections on blogging and imperfection

Earlier this morning, I found myself stuck. I was having trouble coming up with a message for today that would clearly articulate something on my mind about spiritual growth as it relates to daily prayer. While I still intend to post some thoughts on this in the coming days, I realize that my being stuck is itself a lesson to be shared as we journey along a path of growth and change.

Too often, we expect perfection. I know that wanting to put out the best message possible can be challenging at times. We expect to hit on the perfect words, phrases, something catchy that will resonate. We expect that this will be the post that gets more and more hits. And when it doesn’t, this leaves a sense of discouragement, which over time might build into a fear of failure, causing inaction. I know because these feelings started to arise in me today.

I have struggled over the years maintaining the momentum of blogging because of these reasons, among others. And I’ve tried to write about different topics on those blogs, from spirituality, to politics, from sports to Judaism. At times it was fun and at times it became too much for me. Eventually, I would succumb to the frustration of imperfection and just give up.

When I started this blog August of last year, I was beginning to decide on the next steps in my life, trying to figure out the next steps of my journey. I felt the need to blog again, this time not just trying to revive what was but, following much of the advice I was giving myself, starting fresh and new. I promised myself at the time I would blog as little or as often as I desired, and would write for the sake of sharing my thoughts and ideas without allowing the number of hits I could gather be the goal. One year (and a week) later, I have written 87 posts, about one post every 4-5 days and have been enjoying the writing process. I have enjoyed the attempts at getting my message out for the sake of sharing some of my work in progress thinking.

If you stayed with me so far, here is my message for today. Sometimes the best thing to do is to jump in, put forth the effort and watch the magic start to happen. Don’t be discouraged if the path is bumpy, because even a bumpy path leads to a destination.

Looking for help on your journey on the waves of life? Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Humans are Spiritual

Spirituality is not what your are, but what you make of yourself. In this sense, the heavenly angels are not spiritual. Only man can be spiritual.

Rabbi Dr. Abraham J. Twerski, Living Each Day p . 168

Being our imperfect selves is the epitome of being spiritual. As we strive to manage the ups and downs of our imperfect lives, may we remember that in the struggle is the spiritual.

If you or someone you know is striving for success in growth on one’s personal spiritual journey, contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or email newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Pray for minimum sin

While we are always striving for perfection, reality is that we will always be faced with making mistakes and errors. It in how we learn from these imperfections that can help us truly improve and grow.

In Living Each Day, Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski suggests the following interpretation of a little know prayer to be recited before Kiddush on Friday night.

Grant us that we may welcome many Sabbaths amidst much joy, with abundance and honor, and with a minimum of sins

Why pray for a minimum of sins? Why not pray to be completely free of sin?

Sins are mistakes in life, and no person goes through life without making any mistakes.

Mistakes can be valuable experiences and can teach us a great deal, but only if we are open minded and willing to learn, willing to accept both reprimand and guidance.

We can learn just as well from minor mistakes as from very serious mistakes. If we do learn from minor mistakes, we may well be able to prevent major ones. If we dismiss minor mistakes as trivia, as insignificant, then we learn nothing from them, and we render ourselves vulnerable to more serious mistakes.

So we pray for ‘minimal’ mistakes. But we must be wise to know how to benefit from them.

P. 127

If you are someone in the process of creating your own new beginning, trying to negotiate the hazard along your journey, New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC is here to help. For more information, please check out: https://achaplainsnewjourney.wordpress.com/about/

When 80 percent is perfect

When we embark on any new beginning, we often get lost in our ideal selves wanting everything to be perfect. While we must always strive to do the best we can, with hard work, dedication and resolve, it is important to be grateful for the imperfections that will be inevitable. Often, if something isn’t perfect, we immediately give up.

As we are arriving at the end of 2021, heading into another new calendrical year, when so many of us consider what we want to do new or different, let us not lose momentum when things are imperfect. Instead, recognize how far you have come and find the inspiration to keep going through seeing how much you have accomplished so far.

If you are someone in the process of creating your own new beginning, New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC is here to help. For more information, please check out: https://achaplainsnewjourney.wordpress.com/about/

Joyfulness and Prayer

How do we approach prayer? This is a daily question that I grapple with. One answer which resonates is from a verse that is recited most days from Psalm 100:

עִבְד֣וּ אֶת־יְהֹוָ֣ה בְּשִׂמְחָ֑ה בֹּ֥אוּ לְ֝פָנָ֗יו בִּרְנָנָֽה׃

worship the LORD in joy;
come into His presence with shouts of gladness.

Psalm 100:2

It is a goal to worship from a place of gladness, joy, happiness. As we know, this is not an easy task. It is quite a challenge to sustain a sense of gladness in prayer, especially given the difficulty most face in of remaining focused in prayer for a significant period of time. As it is something we should strive towards, we remain questioning how to create within ourselves these two states of gladness and joy.

One approach I want to share is based on a reading of this verse from the Zohar (the following is based on Leviticus 3:8B, found in Vol. 7 of the Pritzker Edition pgs. 37-39). The word joy is associated with the heart, with our emotional/mental state, while gladness is associated with our mouth, with the words we speak and chant. When we approach worship, prayer, we are to strive to approach prayer with a unity between what we say and what we think/feel. Joyfulness in prayer is seemingly when we approach prayer as a whole person, not as a house divided.

This is not a simple task as our lives are full of complications that can take us away from our sense of wholeness. How often do we pay lip service by saying or putting on an external persona that looks one way but in our hearts we are feeling the exact opposite? So often we are in conflict with the person we feel we are and the person others perceive us to be. If this is so, how can we approach prayer as a whole?

Perhaps by approaching prayer as a divided self, it is praying as a whole self. By being our conflicted self, we can pray from the place of division by embracing the internal conflict as that which makes us who we are. If we can find the place to not fight who we are but embrace ourselves, we can come to prayer with joy and contentment.

May each day bring a new opportunity to strive to find the joy and beauty of prayer.

Perfection is about process not perfection

In my continued quest for growth, one area that is constantly standing in the way is perfection. It is a nurtured habit of so many of us to “accept” nothing less than perfection. While we all know that there is no such thing as perfection or perfect people, we still struggle to accept our imperfections. I came across an interesting take on this strive towards perfection in the following analysis of Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski o.b.m. in his work Growing Each Day.

It states in Genesis 17:1:

וַיְהִ֣י אַבְרָ֔ם בֶּן־תִּשְׁעִ֥ים שָׁנָ֖ה וְתֵ֣שַׁע שָׁנִ֑ים וַיֵּרָ֨א יְהֹוָ֜ה אֶל־אַבְרָ֗ם וַיֹּ֤אמֶר אֵלָיו֙ אֲנִי־אֵ֣ל שַׁדַּ֔י הִתְהַלֵּ֥ךְ לְפָנַ֖י וֶהְיֵ֥ה תָמִֽים׃

When Abram was ninety-nine years old, the LORD appeared to Abram and said to him, “I am El Shaddai. Walk in My ways and be perfect.”

Rabbi Twerski notes:

If a human being cannot be perfect, why did God demand perfection of Abraham?

The entire context of the verse indicates both the definition of this perfection and the way in which it can be achieved. It is obvious that no human being can aspire to equal God’s degree of perfection. What man can achieve is to live according to God’s teachings and thereby live up to his own human potential; more than man’s personal maximum is not possible of expected. Thus, God did not say simply ‘Be perfect;’ He said, ‘Walk before me – and thereby you will be perfect.’ When a person tries to live according to the Divine teachings, that constitutes human perfection, although one is technically never perfect.

Growing Each Day P. 37

Perfection is a process. Perfection is something we strive towards by living a spiritual, divinely inspired life. Perfection is the ability to walk forward even while remaining imperfect. When we strive to improve, our next action is a first action, a new opportunity and new beginning to get it better. In a way, each opportunity we take in life to live up to our potential is another perfection on a continuum of perfection.

May we strive towards the reframing of perfection as not about the end result but about the process of getting to the end.

Facing Yom Kippur alone?

Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is a very terrifying day. While it is an opportunity to start again through confession and regret, there is a sense of urgency that highlights the day. Whether one has spent this time preparing or not, how can a person wipe the entire slate clean in one 25 hour period? Sure, change is ultimately instantaneous, yet in examining the liturgy of the day, the task of repentance and finding forgiveness seems insurmountable.

Throughout Yom Kippur, the liturgy revolves around a formal confession, viddui, which lists a litany of areas we encounter and inevitably fall short of during the year. I find myself overwhelmed by the vastness of our perceived imperfections and our forced listing of them again and again. It can be lonely when confronting one’s shame, one’s failures. How can we even open our mouths to recite these words? It can be too much!

Yet, there is a short phrase in the introduction of the viddui which brings me solace. Before reciting the confession, it says:

אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵֽינוּ תָּבֹא לְפָנֶֽיךָ תְּפִלָּתֵֽנוּ, וְאַל תִּתְעַלַּם מִתְּחִנָּתֵֽנוּ שֶׁאֵין אֲנַֽחְנוּ עַזֵּי פָנִים וּקְשֵׁי עֹֽרֶף לוֹמַר לְפָנֶֽיךָ יְהֹוָה אֱלֹהֵֽינוּ וֵאלֹהֵי אֲבוֹתֵֽינוּ צַדִּיקִים אֲנַֽחְנוּ וְלֹא חָטָֽאנוּ אֲבָל אֲנַֽחְנוּ וַאֲבוֹתֵֽינוּ חָטָֽאנוּ:

Our God and God of our fathers, let our prayer come before you and do not ignore our supplication. For we are not so brazen-faced and stiff-necked to say to you, Adonoy, our God, and God of our fathers, “We are righteous and have not sinned.” But, indeed, we and our fathers have sinned.

When we are confronting our inner self, working to overcome aspects of our lives we wish to change for the better, confessing our imperfections, there is a sense of being alone. And yet, in this phrase, “But, indeed, we and our fathers have sinned” the prayer is offering us strength, in that we are not alone in this process. We enter the auspicious day as part of a chain of tradition. We are here because it is part of our tradition, our legacy, to pause and take stock of what we have fallen short of and what we hope to rise to in the coming year. We are here because our parents, grandparents, etc. also needed a day a year to reframe life’s challenges and struggles. We are not doing this because everyone else is perfect and we are not. Rather, Yom Kippur is a day for all of us to embrace the imperfections for it is through this embrace that we can grow.

One of the struggles with growth and change in life is thinking that those around us don’t understand the struggles we are dealing with. When people are honest about their fears, worries and doubts, many barriers to change are removed. (As an example of a book that speaks about how shame is a barrier to change, see The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are by Brene Brown.)

As we prepare in these final hours for Yom Kippur, may we find the resolve of knowing that we are all striving to be our ideal selves and find ways of reaching for those ideals. And if we fall short, if we err, let us remember that its OK, its part of our being human. It is merely a lonely struggle but it is a struggle we all face. May this Yom Kippur be a day of meaning, a day of introspection and a day of finding something to strive to reach for in the coming year.