Tag: grief and loss

Losing and Finding My Voice

Today I find myself thinking about losing and finding our voice in life. Many of the people I have worked with have expressed that their journey is one of “finding my voice,” meaning finding the ways to express “who am I” to the world. Often, this reflection emerges in a moment of rupture in someone’s life, when the person recognizes that a new opportunity is open to them to explore.

How do we foster this search to “find” the voice that we feel we let go of to an extent within a relationship without causing a detriment to relationship? How do we reclaim our independent, individual self without betraying the love and care we gave and received in the relationships we had?

I believe we tend to carry a multiplicity of emotions battling each other at every moment. One example that I see most often is in the midst of grief, it is very common for people to also express feelings of relief and gratitude that the deceased is no longer suffering. This feeling arises at the same time as the pain and sadness we feel about the death of the person. Too often, this conflicting emotional state leads to a sense of guilt and becomes a primary barrier to effective grieving. One of the tasks we work on is living with both types of emotions simultaneously, acknowledging and sitting in our sadness as well as admitting and embracing the future life we will build in this new stage of being.

Second, as one continues to search for and claims there “I,” it is crucial to express an acceptance of the changed reality. How many times do we feel that accepting the reality is a betrayal? To find and reclaim our voice, we need to have the space to express how relationships do create boundaries around our lives that often are not our ideal. This is not a lament on compromise or on pulling back the self for the sake of the whole. Being able to dwell within a relationship requires us to balance self and other. Yet, this can very often feel and be experienced as restrictive, which again, we were/are afraid to be honest about. When we suddenly don’t have to make the choice between self and other, many people express a guilt about feeling happy to do things they couldn’t do before. Yet, as this a normal feeling. As I work with people, I encourage people to embrace this feeling while recognizing and exploring the struggle that this feeling brings.

Through engaging in this struggle, I have found people eventually come to find the “voice” they want to come to forefront. By reclaiming our voice, we claim that the new path in front of us is the one we must walk, regardless of where it will go. While we can’t know where the path will lead, with our “voice” we have a powerful tool to help us explore our next journey, our new beginning.

Are you searching to reclaim your voice in the midst of change? Are you struggling in the midst of grief with embracing the next part of your life’s journey? Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

New Beginnings One Year Anniversary

Whenever we venture into the unknown, we see before us a vast expanse lying ahead, leaving us with fears and doubts as to what we will encounter along the way. For many of us, these fears stop us in our tracks and we never get the opportunity to go forth and explore. In these moments, we find ourselves similar to the biblical Patriarch Abraham when Gd calls him to “Go Forth from your land, from your birthplace and from your father’s home to the land that I will show you (Genesis 12:1).” There is a powerful idea in later Jewish writing that this call was not specific to Abraham but was a call that went out to the world that only Abraham was focused enough to hear. Perhaps this call is always out there, waiting for us when the time is right, when we are in the moment of deciding where to go next. In that moment, if we listen, we will know we aren’t going alone. Rather we must take the initial step and we will be shown what truly lies before us, not what we believe might be out there stopping us from going forward.

This is my story as well. This week marks the one year anniversary of New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC, a moment in my life of going forth to a new adventure, a new path in my life. It has been an amazing year for me on this journey of growing a private spiritual life coaching practice. New Beginnings began as a dream to build a business whose mission was to work with others confronting the spiritual and emotional challenges that arise during transitional periods in life. Through a focus on one’s spiritually and faith and the search for meaning, growth and change along the new paths we face, my goal is to foster and harness the tools we have or will need when embarking on a New Beginning. During this first year, I have worked with individuals and groups exploring areas such as:

  1. engaging one’s spiritual self in one’s life decisions
  2. grief and loss
  3. meaning making
  4. finding joy in the next chapter of life
  5. Rediscovery of “Who am I”

Through a combination of active listening, exploration, reflection and reframing, we work together to uncover layers of self-awareness. Through working together, we will often reveal the skills and tools you already possess to affect true positive change. It is my passion to help guiding others through these times of self-discovery, navigating the waves that we experience during the various transitional moments in life.

To get a more in depth sense of what New Beginnings can do for you, please check out the link to the recent interview I did with Jewish Sacred Aging’s Seekers of Meaning Podcast.

If you or someone you know is:

  • Feeling lost, without your anchor?
  • Struggling with the death of a loved one?
  • Looking for the spiritual spark to reignite your life?
  • Searching for a sense of meaning, hope or joy?
  • Trying to grapple with suffering?

Then I invite you to contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com. I look forward to supporting you along your journey and your New Beginning.

Extending a hand to uplift a person

The stories of Genesis contain hints and allusions to how we should live and treat one another. While some of these lessons are complicated by shifting ethics and morality, many others stand the test of time and are important to review and reflect upon. One such lesson relates to how to support someone who has experienced a loss or a failure within life. While we know the dove eventually finds the olive branch, the process was not a simple one.

After the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat, Noah decides to first send out a raven and then a dove to determine if the waters had receded enough to emerge from the ark. In their first flights, neither bird discovered a place to rest, which the Torah makes specifically makes clear in the dove’s first return. Genesis 8:9 states,

וְלֹֽא־מָצְאָה֩ הַיּוֹנָ֨ה מָנ֜וֹחַ לְכַף־רַגְלָ֗הּ וַתָּ֤שב אֵלָיו֙ אֶל־הַתֵּבָ֔ה כִּי־מַ֖יִם עַל־פְּנֵ֣י כל־הָאָ֑רֶץ וַיִּשְׁלַ֤ח יָדוֹ֙ וַיִּקָּחֶ֔הָ וַיָּבֵ֥א אֹתָ֛הּ אֵלָ֖יו אֶל־הַתֵּבָֽה׃

But the dove could not find a resting place for its foot, and returned to him to the ark, for there was water over all the earth. So putting out his hand, he took it into the ark with him.

Genesis 8:9

At first glance, this verse is merely reporting on the fact that the dove returned unsuccessful. However, the verse contains a superfluous comment, that not only did Noah take the dove back into the ark, Noah put out his hand to do so. One of the great biblical commentators of the modern era, R. Naftali Zvi Yehuda of Berlin, the Netziv, wonders as to the importance of telling us both that Noah extended his hand as well as took the dove back into the ark. One phrase should have been enough to convey the point.

In response to this question, Netziv shares a psychological insight, one which I believe we know but often struggle to implement in our lives. He suggests that Noah’s extending his hand was a message of active empathy. The dove failed, not out of any doing of its own, but because the flood waters hadn’t receded yet. Nevertheless, not being able to succeed in the mission, or bring back a “positive report,” which in this case might have been not returning at all because it found a resting place, is also a “failure” of sorts. As such, Noah, not only opens the door for the dove to come back in but actively brings the dove back in, thus showing kindness and empathy to the dove. Noah went the extra step, not just making the space for the dove to re-enter the ark, but also helping to bring the dove in, implicitly saying that I am here to hold you up in this moment of failure.

The question is, can we be like Noah? Can we work to extend the hand out to bring the person with us? Over the past couple of pieces (see here and here), I have focused on the power of not having to go at it alone. This is another aspect of that, but this time focusing on the importance of uplifting the other person by actively supporting them. For example, there is a client I am working with who has a friend who visits regularly to be a companion for him. This friend doesn’t just visit. When he calls to see if he can come over, he will often follow up by asking my client if he wants him to pick up something to eat or drink on the way over.

Part of our journey of spiritual growth is how we interact with others. I would invite you to consider what steps you take to actively help and support others as well how others have helped you in the past in your own times of struggle. Hone those skills! Be like Noah in the moment with the dove.

Don’t go at it alone. If you or someone you know is looking to start along the journey of change and growth: Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

“And Abraham eulogized and cried”

Genesis 23, the first chapter of this week’s Torah portion, focuses on the death and burial of Sarah. In describing Abraham’s response to Sarah’s death, the Torah states:

וַתָּ֣מת שָׂרָ֗ה בְּקִרְיַ֥ת אַרְבַּ֛ע הִ֥וא חֶבְר֖וֹן בְּאֶ֣רֶץ כְּנָ֑עַן וַיָּבֹא֙ אַבְרָהָ֔ם לִסְפֹּ֥ד לְשָׂרָ֖ה וְלִבְכֹּתָֽהּ׃

Sarah died in Kiriath-arba—now Hebron—in the land of Canaan; and Abraham proceeded to mourn (eulogize) for Sarah and to bewail (cry for) her.

Genesis 23:2

In considering the way most people experience the death of a loved one and the subsequent grief, the order of Abraham’s actions, eulogizing first and only then crying is the opposite of how we presume most respond to death. And in Abraham’s case, it is even more anomalous in that he only proceeds to funeral planning and burial after the eulogizing and crying. We picture or experience a person crying, planning and finally eulogizing and beginning the process of integrating the death into one’s life. While some elements of this description fit a certain order and process of death and funeral rituals of the ancient world, when we reflect on our current understandings of grief and loss, we can find a different way to understand the internal goings on of Abraham.

To illustrate this point, I am reminded of a story from one of the bereavement groups I ran. A member of the group came and shared how since her spouse passed away, which was about 8 months prior to her attending the group, she finds that she has been unable to cry for him. While for most, emotional numbness is an initial response to death, this inability to cry was weighing heavily on her. Through the reflections of the group, we offered that the crying would come when it was meant to come. Within a couple of sessions, she returned and reported that one particular evening she sat down and the tears just started flowing. This crying was the cathartic experience she needed to relieve the multiple burdens she had felt in her inability to cry.

There is no roadmap for grieving. Yes, religions have rituals that act as roadmaps through the process. And yes, those roadmaps can and often do provide elements of comfort and integration. Yet, for so many people, grieving and mourning is an ongoing part of one’s life that cannot be limited to the ritual times as prescribed. Grieving and mourning is like a wave of ups and downs, with the hope that the waves over time become less like tsunamis and more like the tranquility of a nice sunny day at the beach.

For Abraham, the death of Sarah was a shock. He was seemingly unprepared. As some do, when the initial shock hits, we go into a focused mode of trying to absorb the death. In his case, Abraham began by working through an intellectual acceptance of her death. This is symbolized by the term eulogize. Through talking about her, remembering her for who she was, it created for him the first step in his grief. It was only when he was able to integrate her loss into his conscious does he cry and then attend to burying her. Similar to the woman in my group, Abraham’s reaction was the reaction Abraham needed in the timing that it needed to happen.

When we make ourselves present to support those going through the challenges of illness and death, let us remember that each person absorbs, integrates and reacts to death differently, depending on a variety of factors. By reflecting on this, we can better be present to people in a non-judgmental, supportive way.