Tag: death and dying

Genesis 23, the first chapter of this week’s Torah portion, focuses on the death and burial of Sarah. In describing Abraham’s response to Sarah’s death, the Torah states:

וַתָּ֣מת שָׂרָ֗ה בְּקִרְיַ֥ת אַרְבַּ֛ע הִ֥וא חֶבְר֖וֹן בְּאֶ֣רֶץ כְּנָ֑עַן וַיָּבֹא֙ אַבְרָהָ֔ם לִסְפֹּ֥ד לְשָׂרָ֖ה וְלִבְכֹּתָֽהּ׃

Sarah died in Kiriath-arba—now Hebron—in the land of Canaan; and Abraham proceeded to mourn (eulogize) for Sarah and to bewail (cry for) her.

Genesis 23:2

In considering the way most people experience the death of a loved one and the subsequent grief, the order of Abraham’s actions, eulogizing first and only then crying is the opposite of how we presume most respond to death. And in Abraham’s case, it is even more anomalous in that he only proceeds to funeral planning and burial after the eulogizing and crying. We picture or experience a person crying, planning and finally eulogizing and beginning the process of integrating the death into one’s life. While some elements of this description fit a certain order and process of death and funeral rituals of the ancient world, when we reflect on our current understandings of grief and loss, we can find a different way to understand the internal goings on of Abraham.

To illustrate this point, I am reminded of a story from one of the bereavement groups I ran. A member of the group came and shared how since her spouse passed away, which was about 8 months prior to her attending the group, she finds that she has been unable to cry for him. While for most, emotional numbness is an initial response to death, this inability to cry was weighing heavily on her. Through the reflections of the group, we offered that the crying would come when it was meant to come. Within a couple of sessions, she returned and reported that one particular evening she sat down and the tears just started flowing. This crying was the cathartic experience she needed to relieve the multiple burdens she had felt in her inability to cry.

There is no roadmap for grieving. Yes, religions have rituals that act as roadmaps through the process. And yes, those roadmaps can and often do provide elements of comfort and integration. Yet, for so many people, grieving and mourning is an ongoing part of one’s life that cannot be limited to the ritual times as prescribed. Grieving and mourning is like a wave of ups and downs, with the hope that the waves over time become less like tsunamis and more like the tranquility of a nice sunny day at the beach.

For Abraham, the death of Sarah was a shock. He was seemingly unprepared. As some do, when the initial shock hits, we go into a focused mode of trying to absorb the death. In his case, Abraham began by working through an intellectual acceptance of her death. This is symbolized by the term eulogize. Through talking about her, remembering her for who she was, it created for him the first step in his grief. It was only when he was able to integrate her loss into his conscious does he cry and then attend to burying her. Similar to the woman in my group, Abraham’s reaction was the reaction Abraham needed in the timing that it needed to happen.

When we make ourselves present to support those going through the challenges of illness and death, let us remember that each person absorbs, integrates and reacts to death differently, depending on a variety of factors. By reflecting on this, we can better be present to people in a non-judgmental, supportive way.