Category: spiritual care

Spiritual Companionship/Coaching is a Two Way Street

It is a both a beauty and a challenge. In the opening pages of the book, Parting: A Handbook for Spiritual Care Near the End of Life, the authors offer a powerful description of what spiritual companionship means:

When you sign on to be a spiritual companion, you enter a two-way street. You invite intimacy, and you share from your own soul. You are a source of strength, but you look to the dying person for inspiration and moments of strength as well.

You open the window for peace to the surround the one who is dying, and you feel its breeze on your face.

You look for truth, for the expression of candid and deep feelings ranging from agony and anger to joy and acceptance, and find you must bare your feelings also.

Both of you will grow. You will care for one another. And you both will find tears to be a healing release and closeness of body, mind, and spirit to be a shelter from the cold night of pain and grief.

p. 2-3

While the chaplain, spiritual coach, spiritual care provider, (pick your title), has the ethical and professional responsibility to maintain boundaries, the ability to accompany a person from a spiritual place requires the professional to enter the sacred space heart and soul. We are the mostly non-anxious presence in the midst of a person’s struggle with the vulnerabilities that come from illness and loss of sense of wholeness. As such, when we enter, we are open to relationship being a two way relationship. While this does increase the risk of compassion fatigue and burnout, when we are meeting people from the place of relationship, we must meet the person as two vulnerable, imperfect human beings, not just in a the hierarchical relationship that is presumed by the professional role the chaplain or spiritual coach brings to the space.

This reminds me of the following passage from the Talmud:

וְהַיְינוּ דְּאָמַר רַבִּי חֲנִינָא: הַרְבֵּה לָמַדְתִּי מֵרַבּוֹתַי, וּמֵחֲבֵירַי יוֹתֵר מֵרַבּוֹתַי, וּמִתַּלְמִידַי יוֹתֵר מִכּוּלָּן.

And this is what Rabbi Ḥanina said: I have learned much from my teachers and even more from my friends, but from my students I have learned more than from all of them.

BT Taanit 7a

If you are in the midst of illness or spiritual struggle and are in need of a person to be on this journey with you, Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

Audio – Lessons in Tanya 32

Chapter 21. We continue to explore the mechanism of speech. This chapter focuses on how we understand what it means when it says Gd spoke. What is divine speech in relation to human speech? We explore the topic of Gd’s unity as it pertains the bringing into existence of being. We also discuss the topic of Tzimtzum and Hester Panim, contraction and the veiling of Gd’s face.

Episode 32

All episodes can also now be heard on Apple Podcasts – here

Do you want to work on taking the actions of your life and find meaning in all you do and who you are? Are you struggling with your spiritual growth. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

Losing and Finding My Voice

Today I find myself thinking about losing and finding our voice in life. Many of the people I have worked with have expressed that their journey is one of “finding my voice,” meaning finding the ways to express “who am I” to the world. Often, this reflection emerges in a moment of rupture in someone’s life, when the person recognizes that a new opportunity is open to them to explore.

How do we foster this search to “find” the voice that we feel we let go of to an extent within a relationship without causing a detriment to relationship? How do we reclaim our independent, individual self without betraying the love and care we gave and received in the relationships we had?

I believe we tend to carry a multiplicity of emotions battling each other at every moment. One example that I see most often is in the midst of grief, it is very common for people to also express feelings of relief and gratitude that the deceased is no longer suffering. This feeling arises at the same time as the pain and sadness we feel about the death of the person. Too often, this conflicting emotional state leads to a sense of guilt and becomes a primary barrier to effective grieving. One of the tasks we work on is living with both types of emotions simultaneously, acknowledging and sitting in our sadness as well as admitting and embracing the future life we will build in this new stage of being.

Second, as one continues to search for and claims there “I,” it is crucial to express an acceptance of the changed reality. How many times do we feel that accepting the reality is a betrayal? To find and reclaim our voice, we need to have the space to express how relationships do create boundaries around our lives that often are not our ideal. This is not a lament on compromise or on pulling back the self for the sake of the whole. Being able to dwell within a relationship requires us to balance self and other. Yet, this can very often feel and be experienced as restrictive, which again, we were/are afraid to be honest about. When we suddenly don’t have to make the choice between self and other, many people express a guilt about feeling happy to do things they couldn’t do before. Yet, as this a normal feeling. As I work with people, I encourage people to embrace this feeling while recognizing and exploring the struggle that this feeling brings.

Through engaging in this struggle, I have found people eventually come to find the “voice” they want to come to forefront. By reclaiming our voice, we claim that the new path in front of us is the one we must walk, regardless of where it will go. While we can’t know where the path will lead, with our “voice” we have a powerful tool to help us explore our next journey, our new beginning.

Are you searching to reclaim your voice in the midst of change? Are you struggling in the midst of grief with embracing the next part of your life’s journey? Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

I’m here – Hineni

“I am here.”

I have always been taken by this simple word/phrase. It is one of deepest and most powerful of all calls to action. Are we willing to truly acknowledge our presence in a crucial moment?

Below you will find an anecdote which I often turn back to about the power of being present.

It is told of one of my teachers, the late Milton H. Erickson, who was perhaps the greatest therapist of our era, that a patient, having heard of his healing prowess, traveled halfway around the world to see him. Entering Milton’s somewhat shabby office, he was shocked as he took in its well-worn furniture, overused chairs, and ramshackle bookshelves – rather humble surroundings for such a great man. Erickson noticed him looking around in disbelieve, fixed his intense gaze upon him, and said, “I know it’s not much, but I’M HERE!”

I’M HERE! We can have no better motto. Each of us is more than enough. Each of us is all we’ve got. Each of us and all of us are blessed. We need to know and be assured that our blessedness is not in the doing; it is in the being. We are blessed through no choice of our own. Our being blessed is God’s irrevocable gift. So when the going gets tough, and assuredly it will, each of us can do no better than to respond, “Hineni, I’m Here,” words that have reverberated down the ages. Each of us is more than enough. Each of us is a blessing.

Jewish Relational Care A-Z: We are Our Brother’s Keeper – P.219

I believe this message is one that resonates for all of us. Can we be comfortable in the uncomfortable situations knowing that our showing up is more than enough? Can we accept that sometimes the best thing to do is sit in silence when another is in pain, not worrying about fixing, but just being available to the person? Can we do this for ourselves as well, being compassionate and non-judgmental when we ourselves are struggling?

Part of what drives me in my work as a chaplain and now a spiritual life coach is this presence, this being. How many of us are just looking for someone who can sit and reflect with us during times of transition, times of difficulty, times of grief. I find it powerful in the moments of sitting with someone, just sitting. Yes, to coach and to chaplain requires more than sitting. Yet it requires the ability to know when sitting and being is the best approach.

I’m Here. If you or someone you know is in journeying along the waves of life, allow me to join you along the road to discovery. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

Self-Compassion, not Self-Loathing

As is apparent by now, I am a big fan of Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, o.b.m. I have been reading his works since I was a bar mitzvah, having gotten as a Bar Mitzvah gift his daily reader, Growing Each Day. I often quote snippets from this and a couple of his other daily readers whenever a message speaks to me. Yesterday, I came across this one line which is a good reminder of the dangers of self-loathing and the importance of self-compassion:

“We may not truly realize that our own unbridled anger may be even more destructive to us than hostility to others.”

Rabbi Dr. Abraham Twerski, Living Each Day, p. 72

Anger at oneself can be even more harmful than the anger we express towards other people. This is the anger of frustration regarding not being the best or ideal person we wish to be. This is the anger that comes from a place of shame. And this anger can lead us down a dark path. Anger towards someone else, even if expressed, can be less severe because its destructive nature will depend on how the person we are angry with reacts.

To respond to this, we would do best to work on self-compassion. For me, self-compassion begins with a constant work of recognizing and being accepting of the mistakes, the times I fall short. This is an active process of recognizing the emotions that arise in those moments when the self-loathing begins. Self-compassion is not an excuse to not work to improve. Self-compassion is the tool that helps us find the avenues to be comfortable with change and improvement as we open ourselves to learn from our mistakes and to remember we can try again.

My prayer for today is we find the tools to help quell the self-anger that often arises as a means of being open to the new journeys and opportunities always unfolding in front of us.

Looking to invest time and focus on the tools we have to help cultivate self-compassion and combat self-loathing. Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com

Extending a hand to uplift a person

The stories of Genesis contain hints and allusions to how we should live and treat one another. While some of these lessons are complicated by shifting ethics and morality, many others stand the test of time and are important to review and reflect upon. One such lesson relates to how to support someone who has experienced a loss or a failure within life. While we know the dove eventually finds the olive branch, the process was not a simple one.

After the ark came to rest on Mount Ararat, Noah decides to first send out a raven and then a dove to determine if the waters had receded enough to emerge from the ark. In their first flights, neither bird discovered a place to rest, which the Torah makes specifically makes clear in the dove’s first return. Genesis 8:9 states,

וְלֹֽא־מָצְאָה֩ הַיּוֹנָ֨ה מָנ֜וֹחַ לְכַף־רַגְלָ֗הּ וַתָּ֤שב אֵלָיו֙ אֶל־הַתֵּבָ֔ה כִּי־מַ֖יִם עַל־פְּנֵ֣י כל־הָאָ֑רֶץ וַיִּשְׁלַ֤ח יָדוֹ֙ וַיִּקָּחֶ֔הָ וַיָּבֵ֥א אֹתָ֛הּ אֵלָ֖יו אֶל־הַתֵּבָֽה׃

But the dove could not find a resting place for its foot, and returned to him to the ark, for there was water over all the earth. So putting out his hand, he took it into the ark with him.

Genesis 8:9

At first glance, this verse is merely reporting on the fact that the dove returned unsuccessful. However, the verse contains a superfluous comment, that not only did Noah take the dove back into the ark, Noah put out his hand to do so. One of the great biblical commentators of the modern era, R. Naftali Zvi Yehuda of Berlin, the Netziv, wonders as to the importance of telling us both that Noah extended his hand as well as took the dove back into the ark. One phrase should have been enough to convey the point.

In response to this question, Netziv shares a psychological insight, one which I believe we know but often struggle to implement in our lives. He suggests that Noah’s extending his hand was a message of active empathy. The dove failed, not out of any doing of its own, but because the flood waters hadn’t receded yet. Nevertheless, not being able to succeed in the mission, or bring back a “positive report,” which in this case might have been not returning at all because it found a resting place, is also a “failure” of sorts. As such, Noah, not only opens the door for the dove to come back in but actively brings the dove back in, thus showing kindness and empathy to the dove. Noah went the extra step, not just making the space for the dove to re-enter the ark, but also helping to bring the dove in, implicitly saying that I am here to hold you up in this moment of failure.

The question is, can we be like Noah? Can we work to extend the hand out to bring the person with us? Over the past couple of pieces (see here and here), I have focused on the power of not having to go at it alone. This is another aspect of that, but this time focusing on the importance of uplifting the other person by actively supporting them. For example, there is a client I am working with who has a friend who visits regularly to be a companion for him. This friend doesn’t just visit. When he calls to see if he can come over, he will often follow up by asking my client if he wants him to pick up something to eat or drink on the way over.

Part of our journey of spiritual growth is how we interact with others. I would invite you to consider what steps you take to actively help and support others as well how others have helped you in the past in your own times of struggle. Hone those skills! Be like Noah in the moment with the dove.

Don’t go at it alone. If you or someone you know is looking to start along the journey of change and growth: Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Self-reflection/looking in the mirror

A couple of my more recent posts have explored the topic of identifying the various components of self identity. In this post, I am…, I included the beginnings of a list of different terms as to who I see myself as and as a paradigm for your personal growth. This practice, of listing the various “I ams” is a crucial component of growth. By looking in the mirror and engaging in the various elements of who we see, we can then explore the deeper characteristics that underlie each of those elements of our self-makeup.

Some of you reading this might question this method. After all, the work of claiming an “I” seemingly flies in the face of many spiritual practices. It is a common misconception that the goal of spiritual practice is an absolute self-nullification, a removal of all “I” elements of life. I would argue that this is a mistaken premise. Self-nullification, losing oneself in greater spiritual growth, is about the work of not allowing any of the identifying elements of the self to become sacred, to become the be all and end all.

Rather, what I am proposing is that the “I am” is a gateway to deep exploration and spiritual work as it relates to growth. This dawned on me in working with a couple of my clients, exploring the underlying meaning of the terms they were using to identify themselves. The exploration was to try to understand what were the drivers behind the particular term that the person used as a definition of self. When we are clear on who we are and what that means to us, we can then travel a road of who we wish to become within or without the term we are exploring.

For example, in my previous post, I identified myself as a “reader.” If I were to break this down further, I might begin by describing what I like to read or the types of books I find myself reading at the moment. I might explore what reading does for me. In fact, here is a rough outline of what saying I am a Reader is to me:

  1. explorer
  2. curious
  3. seeker of knowledge
  4. reading allows me times to escape from the challenges of life
  5. reading is a spiritual practice
  6. growth and change
  7. reading is a gateway to unexplored worlds
  8. reading is helpful in being a writer

I would then take this list and go deeper in this and related topics as it pertains to the goals the person I am working with would like to explore. For example, if I want to explore the notion of reading as a personal spiritual practice in relation to what it means when I define myself as a reader, I would work with the person to deepen their self-notion of what reading as a spiritual practice is. Is it the focus of reading? Is reading really about study and being absorbed in the depths of another’s words? Is it a form of connection to Gd (there is much in religious thought about connecting to the divine through the practice of study, of learning)? The goal of these explorations would be to help foster within the person the richness that comes from insights into the self so as to better foster the growth a person is looking for.

May each of us discover new aspects of ourselves as we consider the “I ams” we bring to the world.

Reflecting on your own path of self-discovery: Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

I am…

Last week I wrote a personal reflection I Am A Writer, expressing how I see myself as the writer I am and want to be. It was a post about self-definition and about claiming one’s dreams as one’s current reality.

Today, I want to continue in the same vain, with a discussion of the more general statement “I am…” I was inspired by two things. First, while at a local business networking meeting, BNI, giving my 45 second ask, I realized that I was struggling to specify my ideal client. In the course of this challenge, I came to the recognition that understanding the ideal client would also require me to further understand who I am, who do I bring to a session when I am meeting with someone. Second, I had the fortune of connecting with a fellow rabbi/Spiritual coach to discuss how we serve others and how we can continue to grow our respective clientele. During this meeting, he reminded me about the importance of claiming who I am as part of growth for both myself and my business.

Before I answer this question, I want to explore this phrase “I am…” There is a classic situation in which someone asks us to tell them who you are and the initial answer we often give begins with our profession. And while this is one aspect of “I am…,” it is not the core of who we are. Yet, we are that professional as much as we are a parent, child, spouse, individual, a member of a community, faith tradition, etc. At different times we are one or many of these “I am…” descriptions. Further, the definition of “I am…” will inevitably change depending on our life circumstances.

To answer the question of who “I am…” is a moving target, yet it is a composite of all of the various definitions we experience of ourselves in life as it relates to both ourselves and to others. And finally, I think “I am…” can and should also include some of our in process goals and dreams as it can be a means of claiming elements of ourselves that might be incomplete/works in progress. As such, let me share some of my “I am…” statements and invite you to consider the same exercise for yourselves.

I am…

A husband, father, son, grandson, brother (and brother in law), uncle, nephew, cousin.

A Rabbi, chaplain, spiritual coach, teacher, writer, reader, learner.

A friend, colleague, mentor, disciple, student.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg of parts of who I am and helps me recognize how best to work and to serve others. All of these elements both enter a space with me and remain outside the sacred encounter with a client. When we have a deeper sense of self, the good, bad and ugly, we can better sit in the space of the uncomfortable with another.

As such, the answer to my ideal client is… You! You who are searching or engaging the same work of “I am…” You who are trying to foster a New Beginning. You who have experienced loss, death, new challenges and are trying to redefine the “I am…” that is who you are.

Reflecting on your own path of self-discovery: Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Keep writing the story

“I never expected this to be the outcome.”

“Things just didn’t work out the way i imagined.”

Often we have moments in our lives when we feel that the story is “over,” feeling as though we have reached the ending of the book that is our story. In the moment of feeling stagnant, we believe that now life is destined to be a certain way because we have made our choices and are no longer in the driver’s seat of where we would like to head. In these moments of despair, when we feel that the outcome is inevitable, that we go from being in “control” to being the passive passenger along for the ride, resigning ourselves to “fate.” We feel a sense of sadness, loss, anger and frustration at our lot. Perhaps we begin to spiral into despair and depression. These feelings become further roadblocks and barriers on our life’s highway. Perhaps we feel we are on the wrong path.

How do we overcome this sensation, this feeling, this set of traps along the path?

First, I am a strong believer in the importance of naming and sitting with the emotions that rise up. One of the challenges to overcoming sadness, anger and other “negative” emotions is we try to squash them, try to avoid them or compartmentalize them. We thus end up in two fights, the fight against the emotion and the fight with ourselves to avoid feeling bad. Yes, we all want to feel good, happy and positive. Yet, many times, we don’t. It is in those moments when engaging the emotion in a constructive manner is crucial. In those moments of pain, the variety of feelings are there to help foster growth, even if it is painful.

Second, in those moments of despair and feeling like there is no further one can go, we need to reframe the narrative. As the above quote says, “Keep writing, your story is worth it.” If we think of our lives as a big canvas that is telling a story, then the end is not the end until the inevitable end of life. Yes, situations end, changes occur. One chapter ends, not the book. In those moments of feeling “this is not how I expected it to be,” we can take a different tack and sit with the sense of ending as if it is a stop along the path so as to get the next set of directions. It is hard to imagine, but in reality each day, no matter our station in life, is an opportunity to shift our journey, taking different roads along the highway of life. I recall countless interviews with centenarians who have suggested a secret to their longevity was the learning of something new everyday. Underlying that message is the drive to seize an opportunity to write our own story instead of allowing the story to write us.

Keep writing your story. The ending hasn’t been written yet.

Want help crafting the next chapters of your story! Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.

Spiritual Nourishment

I was recently reading Restoring the Healer: Spiritual Self-Care for Health Care Professionals by William Dorman. This book offered a health care chaplain’s perspective on methods for how to best care for oneself so as to be engaged and effective in the helping of our patients, families and those for whom we have been tasked to care. One particular piece struck me from this book. The author writes:

These patients are like manna in the desert during your bleak and tiresome days. They energize you. They nurture your heart and soul. In the years to come, you will draw inspiration, stamina, and encouragement from your memories of these patients. Healers share an old adage: “ I get more from that patient than I am able to give him or her.”

Restoring the Healer p. 23-4

I found the metaphor of Manna poignant, as it is a sustenance of the spirit that we find at times. I recall one of my early hospice patients, a woman who was struggling with cancer. In one of our visits, she told me that I would always remember her as the person I cut my teeth on.

She was right!

For that patient, and the others who have taught and inspired me over the years, this quote sums up what they meant for me.

This message goes further than health care. What is your spiritual sustenance in those challenging times? From where do you draw your inspiration? What carries you through those difficult days?

Struggling to find your inspiration, your spiritual sustenance? Contact New Beginnings Spiritual Coaching and Consulting LLC at 732-314-6758 ext. 100 or via email at newbeginningsspiritualcoach@gmail.com.